Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm passing your future prison.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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