He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I need water and some morals
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
