I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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