The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
