I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
