Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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