So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Randomize
