He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
