dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
