He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
