i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
