You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
if only i could text you this smell
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
