Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
