i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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