after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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