a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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