96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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