We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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