Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize