i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
