well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
