I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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