so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
