Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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