the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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