the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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