I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
