I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
