Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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