every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
