They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Randomize
