So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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