The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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