Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
