I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
