Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
