The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
