So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
