I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
