I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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