When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
