If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
