It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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