i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
