After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
