Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
