i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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