Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
