I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
