My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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