I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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