I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
