Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
