note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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