I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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