I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize