Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
