Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
