Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize