I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
