I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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