Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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