The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
