you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
