Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
