the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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