Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
