I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
someone owes me an orgasm
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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